To the Boy I Could Have Fallen in Love With

I didn’t like you at first.

Well, many people felt the same way. The persona you had exuded arrogance–you were so annoying, and I always felt frustrated around you. Although we were in the same environment, we weren’t friends. I think I just tolerated your existence. Until everything changed.

If you think about it, the beginning of our relationship–if you could even call it that–was kind of funny. I remember my friends pushed me to like you. They were so adamant about us being together. At the time, I didn’t see or understand why. On the surface, I was so different from you. I was the girl who never talked. I had, like, five friends. I was a nobody.

Why would you like me?

But my friends insisted that we were much more alike than I realized. So, although your timing was so wrong, I decided to give it a chance.

I don’t know if you knew this, but you were the first boy I have ever genuinely liked. There were so many things about you that surprised me. I was shocked by the way you pursued me. You were charismatic, bold, and knew exactly the right words to say. You were so unapologetically real with me; and in turn, I felt compelled to share emotionally vulnerable pieces of me that I’ve never shared with anyone else.

Not only that, but I thought you were so smart. I know you often played it like you weren’t an intellectual, but you were. You were the smartest person I knew. Your intelligence was super attractive. Through our conversations, I felt like I learned so much about the world.

And if I’m being completely honest, I could have fallen in love with you. I really could have. It would’ve been so easy to let myself fall.

That is one of the reasons why I was so angry with you. With myself. That you knew so much about me–about the way my heart was broken–and yet, you still did that to me.

You know, after you stepped all over my feelings, I felt so embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I couldn’t believe that I, a girl who hates the spotlight, was now the center of everyone’s pitty-filled gazes. It’s one thing to deal with a boy. However, it’s an entirely different story when you realize he screwed you over and chose another girl. Everyone felt so bad for me. I had people come up to me and ask, “So, how do you feel about them being together now?”

Talk about awkward.

The months following our end were some of the most unbearable months of my life. It was awful because I couldn’t escape you. I meant it when I said that I didn’t want to see or talk to you ever again; but how do I do that when you were still everywhere?

A lot of people expected me to be sad about our situation, but I didn’t feel melancholic. If anything, I was disappointed. Disappointed in you. Disappointed in myself. Disappointed in the fact that more than anything, I lost someone I really cared about.

For a while, I wondered if I missed you. I wondered if it was even okay to miss you. I felt stupid to miss something that never existed. But now, that so much time has passed, I realize that I did miss you. A lot. More than I probably should.

However, don’t get it twisted–I do not miss what we had. Why would I miss a situation where someone didn’t like me enough? I just miss who you were to me. A confidant. Someone I could talk to about anything. Also, I don’t know if you still wonder, but I forgave you even before I knew what you did wrong. I just wanted to be petty and have the upper hand for once.

For months, I dreamed about what I would say to you if we saw each other again. Not going to lie, the thought of seeing you again someday gave me the worst anxiety. A part of me would rather die than come face-to-face with you again. And if I’m being completely honest, the thought of seeing you again still terrifies me. Not that I still have feelings for you, but you hurt me quite a bit. It’s the kind of pain that has scabbed and healed over, but somehow still pulses from time-to-time.

That’s the strange thing about the heart. No matter what we tell it to do, it does what it wants. So, I think a part of me will always be affected by you, unfortunately.

However, as each year flies by and time continues to mold me, I hope that will change. I hope that I’m wrong and that one day, the only thing between us will be indifference.

Because c’est la vie and this too shall pass.